30% of young people say they have used harmful behaviours in relationships, SafeLives research suggests.

...from around my age…a lot of people want to be better, but they don’t know how…I just hope that the next stage is we figure out how to be better.

22-year-old interview participant 

...the way he says something – could make me completely break down inside, and I feel like my world is collapsing, and I feel like he hates me, and I feel like my friends hate me, and I feel like all of this, because of the way something was said. Right before [using harmful behaviour], I feel so sure in what I’m about to do, and I feel so full of like an emotion, it’s huge and it’s like a physical reaction…and then, while I’m doing it, I think it feels kind of like a release.

17-year-old interview participant 

 

SafeLives has undertaken research to better understand why and how young people begin to use abusive behaviours in their relationships, and what support should look like for young people who harm.  

The report, “Verge of Harming” published today, reveals 30% of young people SafeLives surveyed say they have used harmful behaviours in a relationship.  41% of that group said they had used harmful behaviours in a romantic relationship and 47% said they had used harmful behaviours with a family member. 

Through a series of interviews, surveys, focus groups and workshops with 850+ young people (aged 11-25) and 10 practitioners, the following key findings emerged:

 

Key findings on young people and harming: 

• Young people who used harmful behaviour were significantly more likely to describe using emotionally abusive behaviour than physical, verbal or financial. 48% described using behaviour such as intimidation, tech-based abuse, emotional manipulation (i.e. gaslighting) and controlling behaviour. 
• Young people described anger, followed by jealousy, insecurity and sadness as the feelings most linked with the use of harmful behaviour. 
• A range of reasons, justifications and motivations were given for harmful behaviour.  

1. Trust issues. Young people frequently described their use of harm being linked to insecurity, suspicions that their partner was cheating on them, and fear of rejection.  
2. Emotional dysregulation. Many young people described being unable to process or manage big emotions and using harmful behaviour as a kind of emotional release.  
3. Adverse experiences. A number of young people linked their harmful behaviour to their own experiences of trauma, and many discussed the normalisation of harm across their home and family environment, their peer relationships, their early romantic/dating relationships and the media.   
4. Reaction/response. Some young people described using harm as a response to another’s  behaviour. In some cases, this appeared to reflect violent resistance, and in others it was about using harm to punish someone for unwanted behaviour.  
5. Power and control. Some young people described using harm to gain feelings of power and control, sometimes to compensate for a lack of control in other areas, and sometimes because they found it enjoyable. 

 

Key findings on support for young people who harm: 

• Over half (56%) of the young people who took part in workshops said they would not seek support if they were worried about their own behaviour. The most frequently described barriers were around fear and embarrassment. 
• Many young people expressed a lack of understanding of how to have a healthy relationship and a desire for guidance around this. It was reflected that this was in part due to a lack of modelling of healthy relationships in their lives and across the media.   
• Where there were examples of healthy relationships modelled by adults in their lives or through education, these were predominantly heteronormative – leading to a narrow view of what healthy relationships can look like and providing an additional barrier for LGBTQ+ young people to navigate their relationships healthily. 
• Young people found the endings of relationships particularly turbulent and felt they needed more support around how to manage this stage of a relationship in a healthy way. 

 

Recommendations:

• Healthy relationships education and prevention work needs to: 

1. Expand current understandings of abuse to include behaviours that aren’t solely physical  
2. Equip young people to respond well and safely when their friends share concerns about their own behaviour  
3. Develop young people’s emotional literacy so that they feel able to identify, understand and express adverse emotions in a healthy way 

• Resources and education relating to healthy relationships and domestic abuse need to expand beyond heteronormative depictions to ensure visibility of LGBTQ+ relationships.  
• Domestic abuse awareness campaigns that want to reach young people need to ensure terminology (such as ‘domestic abuse’) is explained in a way that feels relevant for young people.  
• Specialist training focused on domestic abuse and young people should be made available to professionals. Therapists/counsellors were the practitioner group young people said they would be most likely to share concerns about their own behaviour with - training should be made available to them as a priority.  
• Support for young people who harm should be holistic, working with the whole person (intersecting identities and overlapping needs), whole family, and whole community (family and other professionals working with the young person)  
• The response to young people who harm should be supportive rather than solely punitive, ensuring that when consequences/punishment are a necessary response to such behaviour, this does not happen without support and behaviour change work also being provided. 

A special thank you to the young people who spoke so honestly and bravely about their behaviour and experiences. Without your insight, this vital work would not have been possible. 

 

Interim Chief Executive of SafeLives, Ellen Miller, said:    

“We know harmful behaviour is so much harder to change once it’s become embedded. That is why it is so important we bring young people back from the verge of harming – stopping abuse before it starts.  

“What makes a relationship healthy? Where can you go if you’re worried about your behaviour? What young people are telling us again and again is that they need guidance and support to help navigate their relationships. Education is the key to prevention. And that education needs to be holistic - reflective of all relationships, whatever form they take.  

“We want to see all professionals who work with young people, tailoring that support so each young person feels they’re in a judgement-free, nonconfrontational, safe space. 

“Domestic abuse is not inevitable. Together – we can make it stop.” 

 

Notes to Editors 

The data in this report suggests that young people’s lack of knowledge around what a healthy relationship looks like, was often a barrier to them experiencing healthy relationships, both as a victim and as someone causing harm.  

SafeLives’ recent research into the quality and delivery of the Relationships and Sex Education (RSE) curriculum in secondary schools builds on and reinforces these calls for better education for young people on healthy relationships. Only half (52%) of young people surveyed in this research believed RSE classes gave them a good understanding of toxic and healthy relationships. 

 

It is important to reflect on the gender split of the young people who took part in the ‘Verge of Harming’ study. Of the 40 young people recruited for the interviews, only four identified as male, and only one went on to take part in the study further. Of the 749 young people who took part in the survey, 25% identified as male, compared to 64% female.  

In 2019, SafeLives was able to gather the voices and perspectives of more than 1,000 men and boys aged 11 and over, asking them about abuse, masculinity and what a 'healthy' relationship looks like. 28% of respondents said they had demonstrated behaviour within a relationship that they regretted, with 64% of these relationships occurring between the ages of 16 and 29.  

Data collected in ‘Verge of Harming’ indicated that a gender hierarchy, built on acceptance and expectation of male violence and female responsibilisation, continues to shape young people’s relationships.  For the girls and young women interviewed, this gender hierarchy framed relationships with males as a necessity. Unhealthy and abusive relationships were maintained, in part, because being single was seen as a worse fate than victimisation.   

 

A key recommendation in this study is healthy relationships education and prevention work that equips young people to respond well and safely when their friends share concerns about their own behaviour. 

Your Best Friend is a project working with 13-24 year old girls, young women and non-binary people, and experts, to empower young people with the knowledge and confidence to spot abuse in relationships and support their friends. Hundreds of girls, young women, and non-binary people spoke to the project about friendships and relationships, through a series of focus groups and national surveys. 71% felt worried about behaviours they had noticed in a friend’s relationship.    

 

For media enquiries please contact: 

Hannah Mian, Senior Communications Officer 

hannah.mian@safelives.org.uk   07936 939 653   

 

About SafeLives: 

We are SafeLives, the UK-wide charity dedicated to ending domestic abuse, for everyone and for good. 

And why do we say ‘for good’? Because we want to stop it before it starts. And if it does start, we want a response that provides long-term, wraparound support to decrease the chance it will happen again.  

We work with organisations across the UK to transform the response to domestic abuse. We want what you would want for your best friend. We listen to survivors, putting their voices at the heart of our thinking. We look at the whole picture for each individual and family to get the right help at the right time, to make families everywhere safe and well. 

Together, we can end domestic abuse.